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How To Gain Self Confidence – By Reducing External Dependence

External dependence is a term used to describe a person who is overly dependent on outside things in order to function. This can include depending on other people for love and or their opinions etc. It’s generally developed in childhood from:

  • The moment we are born

  • How we are raised

  • The way people talk to us

  • And other life experiences affect its development

We tend to judge ourselves by what society thinks or what important people in our lives think. However, when we rely too much on society for the way we feel about ourself – this turns into external dependence …which in turn results in a lowered self esteem.

Identify Who You Are And What Your Strengths Are

Total elimination of dependency towards other people’s judgment is crucial to gain self confidence. Having no solid knowledge of who you are and your abilities will most likely lead you to depend on what others say you are and what your capacities and limitations are. Their point of view matters to you more than your own.

To correct this problem, you need to start identifying your own strengths and disregard other’s opinion of you. You should know yourself more than anyone else. The reality is that it’s difficult to get an honest opinion about yourself from others because their judgement is influenced by the degree of like or dislike they have towards you.

So right now, take out a sheet of paper and make a list of your strengths and things you like about yourself, and proofs that such things are indeed true. You list might look something like this:


Strength: I like the way I smile

Proof: The teller at the bank and shop assistant always smile back at me when I smile.


Strength: I am intelligent

Proof: I get good grades


Strength: People that put others down have confidence issues

Proof: Its fact that people put others down in order to compensate for things in their life


Strength: People like me

Proof: I have 1/2/3 close friends


Strength: I have nice hair

Proof: My hair stylist says so


The reality is that over time, if you suffer from external dependence, you’re likely to have had your strengths and belief in yourself withered away to the point that you assume they no longer exist. This exercise (and contemplation on it) will allow you to reawaken your subconscious to the strengths you’ve always had, but never paid attention to.