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How To Get Your Ex Back (Based On The Psychology of Love)

By John Alex Clark (Relationship & Life Coach)

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Before you even try to get your ex back, it’s essential for you to know and understand a few basic principals on the psychology of love. Love, afterall is a key component of relationships.

When you’re born, you’re born pure and clean – there’s NOTHING in your head. As you grow older and begin to experience life, you begin to establish a number of your own beliefs. These beliefs include beliefs:

  • About yourself
  • About others
  • About your environment
  • And the world around you. 

It is these beliefs that help shape the way you think and the way you act.

More importantly, these beliefs also influence the “picture” of your ideal future partner in your head …and what they should be like. It helps you to determine what characteristics to look out for and which ones to avoid. Your subconscious mind creates its own checklist. And on this checklist are the criteria that a person must meet for you …before you can fall in love with them.

This list is known as your ‘Lovemap’ and if a person doesn’t live up to or match a number of the listed items on this list, they’ll be eliminated, they’ll have no chance of becoming a love interest in the future, and it’s more probable that you’ll just look at this person as a friend and that’s it.

This is the number one reason why you can fall in love with a certain type of person and not another. This is why one person might become your life partner and another just a friend. In my book "THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology" I reveal how to program the mind of someone to see you as someone that matches their checklist opposed to seeing you as just a friend.

Each List is Different

What you have on your list and what one of your friends has on theirs is going to be different. Lists differ for a number of reasons and this is all down to your:

  • Beliefs
  • Background
  • Values
  • Education
  • Upbringing
  • Past experiences...

If you’ve ever wondered why one of your friends could be madly in love with someone that just seems “ordinary” to you, it’s because their list is different to yours. Their partner matches what they have on their list. When we try and figure out whether a person matches our listed criteria, we don’t do this consciously – this is one of the main reasons why love can’t be explained – sometimes it’s so difficult to pinpoint the reason why you fell in love with a person in the first place.

When love can’t be explained, many people will use the words ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’ to explain the match. But actually, it has nothing to do with destined paths, it’s because your subconscious was trying to figure out things quietly by itself whether the person was a good match or not.

Realistically speaking, when you become aware of your subconscious, you’ll understand your tastes and choice in partners more. In essence, you’ll be able to determine why you fell in love with a particular person and not another.

How To Get Your Ex Back Using This Method 

If a person once loved you, it simply means that you were able to meet a number of their important criteria on their list. If this is the case is the case with your ex, how come they have now fallen out of love with you? …and why did they dump you? 

In my book "THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology" I reveal how to uncover hidden reasons why your ex dumped you. If you don't know the REAL reason(s) why your ex dumped you, you will never be able to get them back ...period.

This is because any strategy you use to get them back will be depending on blind luck rather than going to the root cause of the problem of why they left. The good news is that once you know the real reason(s) why they left, they can be EASILY fixed once you know what they are. 

In addition to what I go through in the book, here are 2 possible explanations as to why your ex broke up with you:

  1. The criteria have changed: Even though certain criteria may be on a person’s subconscious list one day, it doesn’t mean that this is constant. It’s highly likely this will change as a person grows older, experiences more and progresses normally through life.  It is possible that your ex went through a certain situation that resulted in them rethinking their criteria. When this happens, you may no longer match it, and as a result he or she might lose interest in you. So, if this is the case, is it possible to get your ex back, and if yes, how? Of course, it’s always possible to get an ex back - it happens all the time. If you have the feeling that your ex broke up with you because they’ve acquired new criteria that you didn’t match, it’s time to look at you, and their new criteria …and figure out where you have failed. Once you’re able to figure this out, you have to try and indirectly and subtly as possible prove to your ex that you’ve got these new characteristics they want. For example, if a woman discovers that her own father was unfaithful to her mother, she might add ‘loyalty’ as one of the main criteria to her list. So in this case, her partner would need to demonstrate loyalty for her to remain attracted to that person.
  2. You’ve changed, not their criteria: It’s possible that your partner’s criteria hasn’t changed at all and in fact it’s you that has changed. Because your behaviour has changed, it’s unlikely you’ll match your ex’s criteria anymore. For example, if a woman, who had few friends, fell in love with her partner because of his popularity and his large group of friends, and all of sudden he loses some of these he’ll be less attractive to her. One of the reasons she may have fallen in love with him at the beginning was because she was keen to expand her circle of friends and socialise more. It may sound superficial, but she’ll be less attracted to him because he’s not meeting her unmet need anymore. In a situation like this, you’ll have to try and examine your ex partner’s criteria that you met when you first fell in love – why did they love you then and not now? It’s this way you’ll be able to discover whether you stopped meeting their criteria over a period of time or not.

Both of the above mentioned points come down to one thing – this is the action you’ll need to take if you’re really serious about getting your ex back. You’ll have to sit down and try and figure out all of the criteria on your ex’s subconscious list that they deem important. And from here, you’ll need to begin the process of trying to match them again.

In my book "THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology" I reveal a simple step-by-step plan for uncovering the criteria on your exs subconscious list. Without this information, you will only ever be depending on blind luck to get your ex back. 

Your First Plan of Attack

It’s fair to say at this point in time your ex is a little sick of you. It may seem harsh, but they broke up with you for a reason and they don’t want to see you. This is why it’s important not to try and chase them too much and smother them.

Don’t try to force yourself on them in any way, because you’re just going to send them running in the other direction. Instead of stalking them, you’ll have to show a little bit more restraint and implement the ‘no contact rule’.

“But, what’s the no contact rule?” …you might ask.

This rule involves having to cut any communication with your ex partner. This is difficult and it does take a lot of will power, especially if you’re feeling heartbroken, but it’s essential if you want to try and make them miss your presence – your ultimate aim should be to make them feel a large hole in their lives where you once were. 

Now, there is a RIGHT and a WRONG way to impliment the no-contact rule. I've come across many articles online which get key points in the process completely wrong. The result is that the person reading that information is likley to lose their ex if they follow those guidelines. In my book "THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology" I show the correct method for implimenting the no-contact rule based on tried and tested psychology ...rather than just guess-work.

Although there’s no period of time that is set in stone, the recommended time of no contact is 3-4 weeks after the initial split. This is what you need to do to cut the communication lines with an ex:

  • Stop sending text messages and delete any texts, new or old, from them
  • Don’t call them
  • Don’t go to their home, and refrain from being in that area 
  • Avoid places where you might “accidentally” bump into them e.g. your old favourite bar
  • Avoid sending Facebook or other IM messages to them 
  • Don’t use your common friends to contact them on your behalf
  • Don’t update any statuses on Twitter or Facebook that might be meant for them (direct or indirect)

When your ex breaks up with you, they naturally expect you to cry and miss them. However, if you use the no contact rule, you’ll take them off the pedestal. They’ll be confused, they’ll wonder what’s happened, and they’ll also wonder why it is that you’re not calling or contacting them. This is a form of reverse psychology, and it’ll automatically get them thinking:

  • Where are you?
  • How are you?
  • What are you doing?
  • What’s new?
  • Have you begun seeing someone else?

It’s a cunning plan. In essence, it will cause the following question to swirl around inside their head:

“Did I do the right thing breaking up with them?”

And this is EXACTLY what you want!

During this no contact time (and while they’re mulling over the above), you can get to work with the main part of your plan – figuring out which criteria in their subconscious you need to try and match. 

All of these combined will help create the best outcome at the end of the no contact period, and as a result significantly increase the likelihood they’ll find themselves wanting to get back with you.