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Why do I feel so helpless?

Despite what you might think, helplessness is not a natural state. Outside influcners in a persons life are often what causes the person to feel helpless.

A simple way to think about this is in terms of "complexitity". The more complex things are in our life such as:

  • A job we don't like
  • A friend in our group of friends we dont like
  • A neighbour we dont like
  • Or issues in our relationship with our partner/spouse etc

...the more helpless we tend to feel. So the equation looks like this:

The more complex our lives = The more helplness we are prone to end up feeling

The less complex our lives = The less helpless we are prone to end up feeling.

Does this this make sense?

So the goal should not be to try and feel less helpless. The goal should be to look for ways to make your life less complex. Because by doing that, the helplessness will cure itself.

Feeling Helpless After A Breakup

A lot of people come to me feeling helpless after a breakup. The person will feel like their ex was “their whole world”. This is often because the person removed themselves from their regular circle of friends during the relationship and spent all their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

This is a very common mistake.

Then, when the breakup occurs, they can feel all alone and helpless because they had let their ex be their whole world …and had neglected to hang out with their old circle of friends. Some of which, they may be completely out of touch with.

So what has the person done?

They have inadvertinly made their life more complex. By pinning their whole social life around their boyfriend/girlfriend ...when a breakup occured they not only lost their boyfriend/girlfriend but they also lost their social life too. They:

  • Lost their girlfriend/boyfriend (1 complexity)
  • Lost their social life (2nd complexity)

Its bad enough to lose your boyfriend/girlfiened. Such a complexity will make you feel helpless to a degree. But then when you throw down a lost social life down on top of that, you now have another level of complexity that will make you feel even more helpless.

However, if during their relationship with their ex they had maintained their circle of friends, they would now have more options after the breakup for going out with their friends and potentially meeting new partners. Then they wouldn’t feel as helpless.

So you should always be making sure that you avoid as much complexity (or in the case above, potential complexity if a breakup were to ever occur and you surrounded your entire life around your partner) in your life. Yes, this is not always easy. Things can be outside our control sometimes, but the things that are inside our control should be kept as simple as possible.

Feeling Helpless To the Point Of Suicidal

Often people feel suicidal because issues in their life have become so complex that they no longer feel like they can control them. The person then sees suicide as a way of "simplifying" their complex life by ending it all.

But the key here is to see the reason why the person might be feeling suicidal. Feeling suicidal is not an isolated thing in and of itself that can't be controlled. Complex issues in your life might be fueling the suicidal thoughts. And the thing to remember is that complex issues can be fixed. There is often two ways they can be fixed:

  • Proactivley Fix Them: They can be fixed by proactively seeking a solution to them. By instance, if someone is being bullied they can seek the assassistance of others in helping to end the bullying.
  • Time Fixes Them: Or the problem can fix itself. Taking the case of bullying, the bully might stop of their own accord, they might move school, your parents might move to a different area ...or if you are near the end of your time in school, you'll no longer have to deal with the bully after this time.

In reality, to bullying there is always a solution. Even though it might not seem like it in the mind of the person being bullied. 

The key to remember is that if you can find ways to reduce complexity in your life, you can often reduce suicidal feelings accordingly. If you are feeling helpless to the point of feeling suicidal, make sure to seek help right now. A doctor trained in the area of mental health will be able to offer solutions.

Medication can make your inner dark feelings less complex for you and so become more managable. If there is an outside issue (or issues in your life) that is bothering you, the doctor may be able to offer solutions to make these issues less complex for you and so ease your feelings of helplessness. This is because the type of feelings you may have right now, the doctor will be used to seeing them in other patients and will know the most effective way for you to tackle those issues for you. 

Because of their expertise, this is why you should always seek the help of a doctor if you ever feel suicidal. They will have solutions for you that you often won't be able to come up with on your own.