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What causes Jealousy?

What is jealousy?
What are the causes of jealousy
And where does jealousy come from?

If you’ve ever wondered why do people get jealous, the first thing you need to understand is that the root causes of jealousy are far more complex than you might initially think. For example, if someone flirted with your partner, you might get jealous and focus on the way this person is:

  1. Good looking
  2. A good conversationalist
  3. Well dressed
  4. And the fact your partner responded positively etc

And the result is that you get jealous. You might then think the reason you got jealous is because that person is good looking, well dressed and charming etc.

But this is NOT the case.

These things are only the superficial symptoms of jealousy and not the root causes of it. The root causes are issues within yourself which you haven’t dealt with and which have been triggered by the situation of someone chatting to your partner.

What do you mean?

There is an important distinction between the symptom of a problem and the root cause of it. For example, let’s take a situation where someone has a cough. The symptom is the cough while the root cause of the problem might be a chest infection. The way to fix the problem is not by focusing on the cough (by doing something superficial such as covering your mouth in the hope that this will stop the coughing) but by taking medicine to fix the chest infection which will in turn fix the cough automatically.

As Susan Heitler PHD says in relation to jealousy “A symptom is a solution”. So just like a cough is a signal you need to fix an underlying issue (a chest infection for example), a feeling of jealousy is a signal you need to fix some underlying issue in your life that is bothering you. Let’s look at some underlying issues that may have led to the 4 things above at the beginning of this article:

  1. (Good Looking) Poor Self-Image: If you have a poor self image (i.e. a low opinion of your looks), you will be at an increased risk of feeling jealous when someone talks to your partner. This is because someone with a poor self image will look at almost everyone around them as being more beautiful. Then when someone talks to their partner, the unresolved issue of a poor self image creeps to the surface making them feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to understand that it is your unresolved issue of a poor self image that is making you feel bad, not the other person as such. A poor self image can be fixed in its own right.
  2. (Good Conversationalist) Lack of Ability: If you lack confidence in your abilities, then you will be at increased risk of feeling jealous of someone who is better than you at that particular skill. Taking the situation where the persons ability to chat is better than yours, the problem is not that they are a good chatter …but that you have not worked on your chatting skills. Skills like this can be enhanced through conversation skills programs and so on. Rather than getting jealous, look for ways to improve your ability in that area. 
  3. (Well Dressed) Lack Of Confidence: If you suffer from a lack of confidence, this can affect your mindset and cause you to feel jealous in many different scenarios. A simple case is the clothes you wear. If someone is suffering from a lack of self confidence, they may think that a certain jacket, shirt or belt etc is too cool for them. And so they will not buy it. Instead they will go for more plain clothes. Then when they see someone wearing a cool jacket or shirt etc talking to their partner, they will feel jealous of them. But as you can see the problem is not that person, but instead your lack of confidence which you have not dealt with. You need to deal with this rather than allowing yourself to get jealous of other people. Then the next time someone with those clothes on talks to your partner, it won’t bother you because you will be wearing similar clothes and be as well dressed as them.
  4. (Your Partners Positive Response) Fear: If you suffer from a fear of not being loved or your partner falling out of love with you …you will be at an increased risk of feeling jealous anytime your partner responds positively to someone. Because you will have this constant fear in your head, you will automatically equate your partner being friendly with someone else as them not fully loving you. This is not a healthy way to think. You need to examine where your fear stems from. For example, if you still have not got over an old relationship where your ex left you, it may be the case that you have not fully dealt with this breakup and may need to now. Check out my book “THE ERASE CODE: How To Get Over Anyone In Less Than A Week Using Psychology” for more information on this.

A Symptom Is A Solution

While jealousy is generally thought of as a negative, if you view jealous as a signal that you need to deal with a certain area of your life that is bothering you …then it can actually be a good thing. It’s like a warning light in your car telling you you are low on gasoline and need to pull in somewhere quick.

The thing you need to be careful of though is that your subconscious mind will always try to protect you. It may not want you to know you have an underlying issue that needs to be dealt with because that would make you feel bad (and your subconscious doesn’t want to make you feel bad). So it might cause you to become overly controlling of your partner as an easier way to deal with the situation rather than deal with the underlying buried problem in your psyche that would be difficult to deal with.

This is why most jealous people end up becoming controlling. They take the easier route than actually dealing with their unresolved issues. The healthy way however is to face your problems and look for solutions to overcome them. This article is about helping you understand your mind so that you will be able to do this.