Skip to main content

You are in the: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You section        

Why does love hurts so much?

I love you so much it hurts!
I love him so much it hurts!
Why does love hurt so bad?

It can seem surprising that something that feels as good as being in love, can actually hurt at the same time. So why is that? The answer can funnily enough be found in breakups. When someone we love breaks up with us, we experience alot of pain. That pain is related to the pain you feel when you are in love.

When you are in love you feel dependent on the other person for your happiness. Your subconscious wants to keep you in love and so it makes you feel pain at the thought of ever breaking up with the person. And so you feel pain when in love. When a breakup then actually occurs, you actually live out this pain because you have now lost the person you were depending on for your happiness. And this applies to several different areas on which we depend on someone whom we are in love with. In this article I will cover 5 reasons.

Let's look at the pain felt after a breakup more closely...

It is undeniable that breakups cut us deeply. Many people, though, need to realize that these low feelings are a result of a variety of reasons. These reasons may not have anything to do with love or of loving the other person. Surprised? People usually are when they hear these, but, if you go into them, you'll see that these reasons make sense and can even help free you from your breakup pain.

Here are five reasons unrelated to love that can explain why we feel pain after a breakup. Remember that each of the following contributes to the total feelings of hurt, sadness, and depression that occur deep inside us after a breakup.

With an open mind, think on these reasons:.

  1. Concerns about your future: A breakup has you thinking, "I'm going to be an old maid"; or "I'll be alone for the rest of my life"; and even "I'm not getting any younger; will anyone still love me when I lose my looks?" These concerns are very human, real and valid. Worries about our future take up a major part of the pain we experience after a breakup. The main thing is not to identify this pain with your ex. If you were to meet someone else you liked not too long after the breakup, your worries on the future would melt away and cease to give you pain. You need to separate this part of your breakup hurt from your ex and any feelings of “love” associated with that person. Recognize where your pain really comes from.
  2. Breaking of Set Routines: We feel a certain amount of comfort and constancy when we have developed a set routine in our lives. Anything that causes it to break or change can make us fall apart and feel anxious. You may have gotten used to having someone beside you in bed, the ritual of brushing your teeth side by side at the sink, getting text messages at a certain time of the day and many other things that make up a life together. Breaking up removes all these routines from your life. And anytime you lose something that you got used to in your life – you will experience withdrawal. And withdraw hurts. It causes you pain.  The key is to be able to identify the danger in equating your pain of withdrawal with the idea that you must have truly loved your ex to feel this way. Remember that those feelings of attachment to your set routines can be developed with ANYONE. People experience these symptoms after a breakup no matter who their partner was or whether they even loved them or not.
  3. Negative emotions bubbling to the surface again: Sometimes we are unaware that we can have certain bad emotions lying inside us and that we try to use outside things to cover over these. Some people use their work to cover over these problems and become workaholics. Others use their relationship with their partner to cover over them. This is what I want to cover here. People can unknowingly use a relationship to get away from unresolved problems like conflicts in the family, a lonely social life, or even work-related concerns. A breakup can be devastating if such were the case, as you would have lost that one thing which provided escape or relief from those situations. You will no longer have the relationship to hide behind or shield you from facing your deep-seated anxieties. These bad emotions then threaten to rise inside us causing pain and even panic. Once more, you'll need to avoid mistaking the pain these negative emotions are causing you right now …to thinking that such pain much mean your ex was “The One” …and that “now you can never be happy again”. Isolate this element of your pain and recognize these feelings for themselves.
  4. Loss of self-confidence: Breaking up can easily make us look towards ourselves and make us start asking confidence-damaging questions such as "Do I have bad breath?"; "Am I fat and ugly?"; "Was I not witty enough?" These feelings of inadequacy can cause ALOT of pain. This pain however has nothing to do with your ex partner or feelings of “love”. So you need to recognize this part of your pain for what it is.
  5. Injured pride: Our pride can take a dive when we get dumped. Big or small, injury to our pride will always involve some element of hurt. But you must not attribute this hurt to “love” for your ex. It is wise for us to accept that injured pride makes up a part of that pain we feel upon our breakup.

Breakups cause us a lot of pain which can be due to reasons unrelated to love or to losing the 'perfect' person or "The one." Isolating these non-love-related reasons and dealing with them separately can significantly increase the speed of recovery from a breakup.

As you can see, love hurts not because of "love" itself ...but because your subconscious has recognized that if you were to ever lose this person, you would feel the immense pain fo the above 5 points. It then makes you feel some of this pain WHILE you are in love (and dating them) to motivate you to keep them in your life so you will never lose them. Its like a warning signal to make sure you do everything to keep them in your life.