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What is the no contact rule? (Summary)

Human beings are social creatures. We form bonds with other people and become attached to them. We are biologically wired to do this.

In relationships, we can feel abandoned by them or we can feel smothered by them. Which will depend on a number of factors such as:

  • Our actions
  • Their actions
  • Our emotional needs
  • Their emotional needs

If you for example were to come on too strong and were needy, clingy and controlling etc …your partner is going feel trapped and smothered. In which case, their natural reaction will be to push you away in order to relieve this smothering. In many cases, this can result in the partner being smothered breaking up with the person doing the smothering.

If your ex broke up with you, you will feel disconnected from them. When we feel disconnected from someone we’re attached to, we start to feel anxiety. All anxiety is separation anxiety. And it feels horrible. It will literally make you feel physical pain.

In an effort to relieve this pain, we try to get them back by begging, crying, pleading, asking for another chance etc. The problem with this is that they were already feeling smothered (remember, this is why they broke up with you in the first place).

Because of the anxiety, your brain is not thinking straight. In your confusion, your idea of begging, crying and pleading actually smothers them even more.

Lets summarize the steps that have just occurred:

  1. Their Actions + Your Emotional Needs = You becoming clingy, needy and controlling (you need to understand their actions better, lovemap study, and understand your emotional needs so they don’t overtake you).
  2. You becoming clingy, needy and controlling = Them feeling smothered.
  3. Them feeling smothered = Them needing a release from this smothering.
  4. Them needing a release from the smothering = Them breaking up with you.
  5. Them breaking up with you = You becoming more needy trying to get them back.
  6. You becoming more needy trying to get them back = Them feeling even more smothered.
  7. Them feeling even more smothered = Them feeling justified in breaking upwith you.
  8. Them feeling justified in breaking up with you = Them staying broken up from you PERMANENTLY.

The above 8 steps is what happens to people who never get an ex back. In order to get your ex back, you need to alter the above sequence at step 5. Instead of:

  • Them breaking up with you = You becoming more needy trying to get them back.

What you need instead is:

  • Them breaking up with you = You giving your ex space (no contact)

When you alter point 5 like this, here is how the sequence changes:

  1. Their Actions + Your Emotional Needs = You becoming clingy, needy and controlling.
  2. You becoming clingy, needy and controlling = Them feeling smothered.
  3. Them feeling smothered = Them needing a release from this smothering.
  4. Them needing a release from the smothering = Them breaking up with you.
  5. Them breaking up with you = You giving your ex space (no contact)
  6. You giving your ex space (no contact) = Them no longer feeling smothered.
  7. Them no longer feeling smothered = Them questing why you are no longer contacting them.
  8. Them questioning why you are no longer contacting them = Them feeling separation anxiety
  9. Them feeling separation anxiety = Them beginning to feel attracted to you again
  10. Them beginning to feel attracted to you = Them reaching out to you again
  11. Them reaching out to you = Them wanting to give things another go.

Here’s What You Do In Practice

If someone breaks up with you, simply agree with the breakup. You don’t have to like it or think it’s a good idea (it’s not really a good idea of course as you want to get back with them, you’re in love with them afterall). Here is a sample of what you should say:

“Ok. If that’s what you want I understand. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to work this out. So, give me a call if you change your mind”.

Yes, I know that is not what you want to say to them right now, but trust me this is EXACTLY what you should say to them. Why? Because doing this is a position of strength. It shows that you are confident and secure in yourself. I know you don’t feel confident and secure right now, but this doesn’t matter. What matters is that you present yourself this way to your ex.

So then what do you do?

At this point, don’t ever contact your ex again for ANY reason.

“What?!!” you might say. This is a natural reaction because right now your brain is telling you to beg, plead and do whatever it takes to get them back. The idea of doing nothing seems counter-intuitive, but this is what works. So this is what you must do. Now, no contact means:

  • No texting
  • No Calling
  • No social media
  • No hanging around somewhere where you know your ex will be etc.

Your general attitude must be you’re moving on with your life, and you’re not looking back. They have to feel that if THEY don’t make a move and do something, they will lose you forever.

Things You Will Do During No Contact

  • Don’t agree to be just friends with your ex
  • Examine their lovemap

Now, you will come across many fake relationship experts online giving terrible advice advising you to do things like write a hand-written letter and so on and so forth. These things don’t work and actually make things worse. Remember point 5 above. Your ex is feeling smothered. If you send them a handwritten letter, they’re going to feel even more smothered.

By no contact, I’m not talking about ignoring your ex or being a jerk. You’re simply giving your ex space which is what they want. This will make them feel separation anxiety which is what you want. No contact is the ONLY way to make them feel separation anxiety. They cannot feel separation anxiety if you are constantly calling them.

You’re biggest enemy here is PANIC. If you panic or feel fear that you are going to lose your ex forver because you’re not contacting them, then there is a good chance you will look for some nonsense excuse to break no contact and contact your ex. If you do this, you will prevent them from feeling separation anxiety. They will also see right through it. People email me all the time about a clever way they made an excuse to contact their ex and I see through it every time. Your ex will see through it just like I see through it. While you might think what your doing is a good thing, all you’re trying to do is relieve your anxiety.

The problem is that when you contact them, any anxiety they will have felt at losing you (and they will have felt some degree of anxiety at losing you even though you may not realise it right now) will be wiped away in an instant. They no longer feel anxiety because by you contacting them, they know they have you. So they are no longer anxious.

And making them feel separation anxiety is key to getting them back.

Very few relationship therapist or experts are aware of what I’m about to tell you. And here is it:

Anxiety leads to the beginnings of desire

The things that we are anxious about are the things that we desire. For example, if you grew up in a home where your parents had difficulty trying to meet the mortgage payments and there was talk in the home of possibly losing the house, this will instil in you a desire to own your own home when you grow up. Owning your own home will make you feel safe and secure.

So what someone desires, is what they were anxious about. How many self-made millionaire stories have you heard where the person came from a poor background. They grew up feeling anxious about money, and this instilled in them a desire to attain lots of money (and so they worked hard towards becoming a millionaire).

By you doing no contact (which will give the impression that your general attitude is that you’re moving on with your life, and you’re not looking back) they will feel separation anxiety. They have to feel that if THEY don’t make a move and do something, they will lose you forever. You might be going on dates, and the next they may see of you is you on someone elses arm. You want them to feel separation anxiety. If you text your ex once every few days or once a week, you will block them from feeling separation anxiety. And hence, block them from feeling desire for you.

Them feeling separation anxiety, will lead to them texting YOU

Sometime within the next month or so (and most likely within a short few days) they will contact you. And when you do, you should not answer back straight away. The reason they will have contacted you is because they wil have been feeling separation anxiety. By you not responding straight away, you will be heightening that separation anxiety.

So lets go through the points so far:

  1. They broke up with you
  2. You agreed with the breakup, and began no contact
  3. You felt separation anxiety, but you maintained no contact
  4. Your ex began feeling separation anxiety at you not contacting them
  5. Your ex reached out to you in order to ease THEIR separation anxiety
  6. You didn’t respond straight away in order to further increase their separation anxiety

At this point, you will then need to respond. This will result in a conversation that might go one of two ways:

  1. They are more open to you than they were when the breakup occurred: If the conversation seems to be going this way, invite them over to your place. And have a light hearted conversation, nothing too heavy. Don’t tell your ex your miss them or any of your feelings. After this meeting, wait for them to contact you again (don’t initiate contact). You should let them initiate the contact at least two more times after this first meet up. You need to send the message that you will not smother them, and that you are strong and secure enough in yourself to not be falling all over them. After this, as you get back together, you will want to ease the situation back to where you initiate contact 50% of the time and them 50% of the time. This ensures they don’t feel smothered again.
  2. They end conversation abruptly: If this happens, then they have been feeling separation anxiety but not enough o want to get back with you. At this point, you should maintain no contact again. This time if they contact you again in say a weeks time, this time don’t respond. Then contact them again in 30 days time.

As you can see, when your ex reaches out to contact you, you can end up with two very different results. But you should always assume that they want to see you. Assume this unless they end the conversation abruptly. But you should allow them to come to you. If you go to them and take them out to dinner etc, it programes them that you have low value for yourself that you are willing to “treat” them even though they dumped you like a piece of trash. You need to program them that they have to work to get YOU back.

What if my ex starts seeing someone new during no contact

There is an old saying “A man does not throw away his only pair of shoes”. Therefore, there is a possibility that when your ex broke up with you, they may have had their eye on someone else. If your ex does start seeing someone new, they may try to contact you during no contact in order tomake sure they have you as backup in case things don’t work out with this other guy. If you answer back, you give them that reassurance. If you don’t answer back, you ignite separation anxiety in them. 


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